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April: Grand Opening, CompletE-Résumé to Assist Job Angels

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Classic Résumé Bloopers
I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.

Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Its best for employers that I not work with people.

Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.

Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.

I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.

Marital status: often. Children: various.

Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.

The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.

Finished eighth in my class of ten.

References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
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Classic Résumé Bloopers